Archive for ‘For Women’

January 2, 2011

Happy Holidays!

And Happy New Year everyone!  In case you were wondering what to wear this season…we have a suggestion for you. You’re sure to be the talk of  the party and not in a good way.

December 15, 2010

Maybe it’s just the hair…

December 5, 2010

If you’re not sure…

Please wear a bra! At least it’s “only” $2.01 for the pattern or is that even too much? Yes, we know the designer doesn’t have a professional studio, lighting and models but I’m sure whoever was editing the photos could see the glaring nipples so there’s really no excuse unless of course they were blind or figured the nipple exposure would sell the pattern.

November 29, 2010

Diapers…errr, underwear…

I swear the blog writes itself with little to no effort…case in point:

Sexy underwear? OMG! How about crocheted diaper for adults? Check out all the variations too! Doesn’t this just inspire you to buy this pattern and get to hookin’?

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November 25, 2010

High Fashion? You decide!

Did Marc Jacobs get it right with this crochet design? Does putting it on an actress from Gossip Girl make it high fashion? You decide!

January 13, 2010

Quality has to count for something or “You’re only as good as your last DC”

I come before you today, in this forum of What Not To Crochet, to humbly bring to your combined notice, an Item which leaves me concerned for the state of Crochet and the patterns that are being sold to the public.

The intention is not to denigrate this pattern’s representative item for its colour, which is admittedly that least favourite: the indescribable Putrid Pea Soup of a Misbegotten Grinchy Green, the very thought of which makes me, an average crocheter, feel nauseated to the point where only the memory of the 11 x 200gm skeins of pure natural coloured wool I scored for a whopping $1 a skein at a thrift store today can numb the discomfort  but instead to highlight the flawed construction of an item which, to purchase the pattern, will cost you $US 2.99 ( $Aus 3.23, £1.85, €2.06, ¥273, $SGD 4.65, Rph 463) alone.  

Yes, Ladies, Gentlemen, Crocheters of all ages and mental effectiveness, even th0ugh this item is listed in it’s vendor’s “Quick and Easy” section, I ask you all to pause and consider this “slipper” pattern:


Even if a pattern is a) quick, b) easy and/or c) all of the above, should the resulting item not also involve some level of Quality ?

If you travel further down the tunnel of wrist pain that every FPDC carpals you towards,  should not the Finished Product refrain from allowing the wearer’s big toe prolapsing?

If you hook it, whether afghan, amigurumi or applique-intended flower, does it not then exist as a Crocheted item, bearing witness to and representing Crochet-kind throughout the Intarwebs and beyond?   Does the Item not then deserve, in Crochet’s larval form: pattern and skein to be rendered with some element of mechanical/artisan skill?

Consider the flaws above – gaping stitches being probably the most obvious of sins, is this then, a pattern you would actively buy?




January 1, 2010

Welcome to 2010!

Now we’ve beaten 2009 and the rest of those effin’ horrible Noughties into submission, dipped them in peanut butter and fed them to a Poodle, 2010 is The time to party and to make the changes we want to see in the world.

Apparently, however 2010’s new and fresh opportunities doesn’t mean I’m allowed to wrestle the yarn away from an elderly lady in the Craft SuperStore, when she’s gathered together Turquoise, Mustard, Emerald, Teal and Fuschia acrylics with the texture of baling twine on the pretext of making an blanky for her granddaughter.

 Yeah – Even when I called it an Intervention, I got told No.

Anyway – welcome to 2010, hope you’ve got your knickers ready:

May 31, 2009

Ok – Crochet it… If you can!

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… a tale of a fateful trip…

 That started from a frosty farm and went significantly WRONG when I misread the itinerary that my EA printed out for me, and  I’m now marooned in our national airline’s Business lounge, soaking up a VLLB* and the Flying Marsupial’s free internet.

Noting that the flow on effect of my *ahem* misreading is … get this: 5 hours.

 (And it gets noticeably worse)

My two yarn-based Travelling Projects? …………………………………………………..  are in Checked Baggage**.


I’m bored out of my skull at the 2 hour mark.

So I’m industriously warping the minds of my fellow Club squatters going through my collection of photos of items that defile the sacred name of  Crochet, making muttering noises to myself:   No, no, HAHAH – no, can’t use that, just done a Bikini, no, no, used already,  no, <WARNING!! OUT OF VLLB ERROR> no, no, no – Ooooh.

And then I found the topic for today.

Russian Crochet. (If you’re a Lolcat fan – there’s a whole “In Soviet Russia” line to go down. See you when you get back)


Now – first of all – there is a LOT about the array 0f Russian Crochet magazines to adore.il_430xN_56019671

Ok… yes, they’re in Russian and no, I don’t know why she’s standing like that…



Yes, the majority of it is  in Thread.



Which, for some people, is like admitting that you commit specific acts with chickens.

However  dot dot dot






Some of the creations are just divine and the biggest safety tip is not to allow your mother to see them lest she get ideas for a nifty throwover.




On the other hand….

When you look a bit closer… or you swap a plate of home made meringues for a translation of said Russian text by a Ukrainian workmate’s Grandmother….

You’ll notice that unlined Irish lace tops are, whilst delicate and gorgeous, veritable gateways for nipples to poke russian top

(you will see if you click on the link… for the sake of  Innocents everywhere, I’ve made it a thumbnail – you can click at your own risk of having to explain to whomever)





Edited to add: for some reason the thumbnail thing didn’t work. i’m SORRY! Okay!!!

And my god – a lot of you tried clicking it….










* Vodka, Lemon, Lime and Bitters.

** Dont start about Airline regs please. In the Sunburnt country, land of Sweeping plains – we are not allowed to travel with pointy things in  carry-on. I have travelled with guns, have travelled with diplomatic pouches, and am NOT allowed to travel with anything so benign as a 4mm Bamboo hook in my backpack. Go figure.

November 27, 2008

For Your Consideration

The movie was originally called “Home for Purim” but the movie moguls changed it to “Home for Thanksgiving” to have greater appeal…

It’s a snoot!

Anyway – that’s my precursor as someone who has celebrated Thanksgiving three times (twice in the States, once in Little America in the Sandpit) and thinks… well.. it’s kinda neat but ..



Is there any holiday you people WON’T Crochet for???

Anyway… in bringing you today’s What Not To Crochet, I learnt that you should never trust a certain search engine (and actually , no, not Google) with the term “Turkey” when conjoined (HAH!) with Crochet.

This is the best…

Like the bolero!



Again – loving the bolero – why would you do a skirt???

But this isn’t why you’re here, really though.. is it?



It’s ok…


I know.. you need a giggle!


And here’s something for you..


I still can’t understand what was so sexy about last year’s Turkey Hat.


No way, No day.

And on this blog, we have railed repeatedly against Granny Squares.

I do not understand why people keep crocheting hats for their pets.


(you are so going to die…)

So.. WHAT Sugar-crazed over-fed haze would you have to be in,


to Crochet a Granny Square  Hat …


For a Turkey?


  The Turkeys do not need hats


Lay Off the Candied yams, folks!

Happy Thanksgiving!

March 30, 2008

Forgive us for someone here has sinned…

why? why?

ugly ass swimsuit

I found this gem on etsy FOR SALE!  “Retro 80s swimsuit with a fashionable rose motif…”


you know what really kills me about this?  the model’s pose.

“I can’t talk to you right now…i look too good.”

and not that my body is perfect (far from) but poor thing, she’s bent so strangely you can see her love handles bunching up.


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