Is it just me or does the model look terrified? And an 80s hairstyle too… I didn’t realize crocheting in the round would lead to pasties…LOL! So bad and the site selling them says they are good for an “alternative to going topless”….well, what the heck, you’re so close…how is a teeny bit of material going to make any difference? Ouch getting these on and off too…just what exactly do you use to hold them on? LOL!

Poor thing…she looks like she’s just hating this whole photo shoot too…almost angry to have to paste these things on. I won’t even get into the bottom half. One dip in the water and the whole thing is coming off!

Thanks to Kim for submitting this to WNTC!

50 Responses to “Pasties”

  1. Eeeeek!!! My eyes!!! Quick! get the eye bleach!!!

  2. Well, what’s NOT to be ticked off over? There’s an absolute no-win going on there: She would have had to have known in the first place that she was going to be modelling this, so that she’d be given a chance to get to a tanning salon and cover up those tan lines (or at least use some self-tanner). The expression on her face tells me she didn’t.

    That said, to have to wear this for even long enough to complete a photo shoot is grimace-inducing, as it is. But to wear it long enough to get rid of the tan lines and make it convincing that you’d actually WEAR this—no way! And they didn’t even do her the courtesy of a little air-brushing to even the skin tones.

    She’d better fire her agent. This is 900 flavours of crap.

  3. You hold them on with ducttape, of course. 😉

  4. This could be in the running for the worst “clothing” item on this site! Please tell me it isn’t from the same designer of those tube tops from a few months back….

  5. No, it’s actually a different site…can you believe that? Yikes!! 😐

  6. Nipples, or blue colored nipple shaped things. I’m sorry… the blue things are really not an improvement. I’m tempted to say she might as well actually go topless as pretend not to be with those.

  7. EEEOOoooooooo This is the worst little “number” – EVER! An absolutely unbelievable horrid little set of thingees. Unless one is dressing down for an annual Gay Pride Parade where would one be caught alive in them?

    Please, let me start with the bottom first … ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha1 Could I be wrong or does it look to others like a gay male equipment holder lacking it’s contents?

    As for the upper story – I ask you what is the story there? I ask you girls: What self respecting model would don such unattractive bitty stickons, knowing full well that she’d look better in the buff?

    As a woman who has been a nude photographers’ and artists’ model for many years, I actually howled when I saw this “selection” that so desperately needs correction. In fact my husband wanted to know what was so funny so I showed him and he laughed louder than I did. As he departed he was shaking his head saying: “And the hair – Good Gawd – the GAWD awful hair!”

    I don’t know from whence you dig up these “finds” Maude, but I do know that I would go into withdrawal if I couldn’t get my weekly dose of wicked laughter here, so keep up the good work.



  8. first of all….i in no way approve of these “things”…but if you were going to crochet these “things” ,at least be creative. make them into daisies, a smily face,i dont know…just not a blue dot. also what moron thought that they would make a good alternative????? maybe they are a big hit in europe.

  9. OH…MY…GOD! That HAD to be “designed” by a man! Why on earth would you want wet yarn stuck to your nipples and riding up your butt crack?!?! Are the bikinis at Target too expensive for these people?!?! Thank you for making me laugh out loud this morning!

  10. Yikes! I thought this had to be by the guy that someone said uses his trailer park neighbors as models. You mean to tell me there are two of them now? Stop the world I want to get off!

  11. OMG… that is just wrong! I think the top is too small for smurf-ett to cover up with!

  12. I made the mistake of tracking down and visiting the website where the original picture appeared. Both my hard drive and my brain need to be bleached.

  13. *wow* that looks as comfortable as going for a gyn exam in the ER on a hot summer night….nah, I’d rather do the gyn exam…

  14. I know that crochet wearables is really hot now but my God this is taking my beloved craft into the gutter. Mind you I’m no prude I can appreciate a decent pair of crochet bikini that accentuates the female form but this is too degrading to be associated with crochet.

  15. I, too, made the mistake of tracking down this website. It was pretty disturbing…but almost like a car wreck my morbid curiousity made me look. Any site that regularly uses the words “hairage” and “areolage” as product descriptions is just wrong. And I have to say that the one shown here seems to be one of the…ahem…better designs, if you can believe it.

  16. Hahahaaaa!

    Oh this one is priceless. Totally priceless.

    I mean, the pasties weren’t bad enough, the bottom had to be absurd, too!

    Oh, and they’re so sexy, too, in what looks like blue acrylic WW yarn, on the rather plain amateur 80’s-haired tan-lined model.

    This is gives the couch dress a run for it’s money. It really does.

  17. well, im sorry but i disagree. this tasty little three piece is just what you need for those hot summer days. and that shade of blue will go with almost anything, like varicose veins.

    also, if you were at a fashiionable soiree with your equally trendy model mates, and the host was short of a couple of coasters – you could totally save the day.

    this is the future of swim wear, dont be scared.

  18. According to the website I found the photo was taken in 1989. At least that forgives the 80’s hair a little bit. The rest is simply unforgivable.

  19. Bwahahahahaha! I don’t know if the pasties or the model’s expression is funner. Thanks for sharing.

  20. Wow. This was my first visit to What Not to Crochet and what a riot! I had just taken a drink when I saw the ever-so lovely pasties/bkini bottom combo and almost had my soda come through my nose! My hubby is laughing at me just because I’m giggling like a maniac.

    I am so glad I found this website. It’s awesome to find other people who think there are some things that should just not ever be crocheted!

  21. you should see the other pictures that are posted with that one…there are several series of those crochted, ahem, bikinis…ick! the models have to be the designers.

  22. Timethief, nobody I know would have the lack of taste to wear those…those…things to a Pride parade. Even drunk. Or on a dare/lost a bet.

    And that model really looks like she’s thinking, “Stop looking at my boobs.” Like we have a choice?

  23. Gawd! This is a pattern for sale?

    Must go lie down and cry now.

  24. So why wasn’t this made of Fun Fur?

  25. eeeeewwwww gross

  26. The only thing that would have made this worse would have been FunFur.

    My daughter just said it looks like she has eyes on her boobs. Scary!

  27. I don’t think you are supose to actually go swimming in that, um outfit… I think if that model is going to pose for stuff like this, she needs to at least get a fake tan, its obvious that she has never worn that out in the sun. 😀

    The hairdo makes me happy the 80es are over with.

  28. The circle on the model’s right ta-ta doesn’t even look round, is that about nipple shaping, or breast shaping? Brings new meaning to garment shaping in my mind that I really didn’t want to know about.

  29. This model does not look terrified, she looked very angry!
    I would be too if I had to earn my living modeling this cr-p.
    It is a shame the designer didn’t think of fun fur, it is about the only thing that could make this worse.

  30. OMG……………..ROFL…………….ALL IT NEEDS ARE THE TASSLES AND WE CAN PARTY WITH THE HAIR……..i crochet alot for my arthritis but this is wrong and i think i need to lie down in my freezer. i live on the gulf coast and all i can see right now is some person(not ment to wear this) on the beach sporting this barely there number to run screaming into traffic and yell hit me after seeing it.

  31. Theatrical spirit gum is how they are held on. Blue is not right for this woman. The picture made her look like she had a third boob growing, oh wait that is anorexia starting. YICKS that is really not something anyone should even attempt to make.

    As for the hair, uuuummm I had one of those perm/feathered looks in my highschool days of the 80’s but for 2006, yah right she needs a new stylist I think. LOL

  32. Where is the website this pic came from? I have to see it!

  33. “So why wasn’t this made of Fun Fur?” Oh my, that would have been so much better. lol. Furry ta ta covers and a furry bikini bottom….lol, would be so funny in like a tie dye fun fur. Seriously what is the point here? This an attempt at being sexy for your special guy? “Hay honey come check out my doily covered goodies”…/rolls eyes.

  34. Hey, I could do that with a pair of coasters! Double stick tape…that’s it…double stick tape,..wonder what kind. Poor model…needs to get a life…or get smart.

  35. google “crochet pasties”, click on the first one (beware nudity), not the same ones as above, these ones are actually smaller.

  36. I’m not even sure that she’s frightened because of what she’s wearing. She looks like one of those pictures you see on TV when they find and free a sex slave who has been drugged into doing something. She’s just not horrified enough. I’m still trying to figure out what the hell the purpose of the top is, cause she certainly isn’t trying to hide anything.

  37. I think it looks kinda sexy.

  38. I guess this is the woman’s answer to “blue balls” huh?

  39. I don’t care if the picture was taken in 1989, this would have been just as………then as it is now. Cheer up, at least they didn’t do fun fur & sequins then.

  40. I find that people that cast stones are the ones who are fat and ugly. Hun get a life. I would love to look like her.

  41. Unbelievable. I have got to see more — will google when I get home.


  43. Alternative to going topless?! Where?!?! The strip joint? It’s not like you’re going to walk down the street in that.

    “Topless woman officer, she’s got the boobs hanging out!..oh..wait..False alarm, she’s got pasties. Let’s follow her anyways in case one of them falls off.”

  44. OMG, this is soo bad. Horrible. come on, only strippers wear pasties and why would anyone want to wear crocheted ones.

  45. I have decided that these could be worse. They could be crocheted to look like nipples. That’s the only thing that could make them more pointless and disgusting.

  46. Am I the only one who notices her hair??? That huge 80’s teased train wreck??

  47. Want to bet this picture ruined her career as a model???


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