Crocheted tops, they just scream VINTAGE, don’t they?

This top pictured below is probably not completely FUGLY

but as an example of What Not to Crochet,

The straps on your crocheted top would have to be on the list.

Ok???

Do you need it spelt out?

Crocheted string straps = s-t—r—-e—–t—–c———h.

What do you think is going through our model’s mind right now?

The greatest tragedy in the world (to me anyway - you all, as free thinking individuals may disagree) is that there are children whose lives are shattered by those who they should be able to trust.

Newspapers show their parents being led away in handcuffs, fathers who have imprisoned daughters, the list is endless and there are photos of children with broken eyes who are afraid to look at you, and if they do..

They are always seem to be asking Why.

Why did love, turn into a nightmare?

In my usual hunt for abominations against the gentle innocence of crochet, I found this:

And my usual reaction of “Holy snappin’ duck doo-doo!!” or “ING!!!” wasn’t applicable here.

My thought was that the image was unbelieveably creepy.

For a number of reasons.

Firstly , as all true believers know - Crocheted Clowns are an abomination against the Yarn Gods.

But - there’s just something so horrible in the Clown’s self satisfied grin and the downcast look of the Teddy that my scalp is pricking (let alone my thumbs).

*SHUDDER*

The message for today is : don’t bear abuse.

(and that pattern could be used as an advertisement!)

Raise your Crochet Hooks high & Speak out against abuse in all forms (not just crochet)!

(This post is the sole creation of SB&C , and expresses her opinion)

Socks.

Everyone who is doing yarny things, at present, seems to be doing socks.

Or - if you’re like me - hoarding sock yarn

The yarngoddess herself (yes, I mean YOU, Yarnharlot!) has been at the forefront of the sockiness of the YarnWorld.

Sock Monkeys.

Vine Socks (and they were lovely! ).

Socksocksocksocks.

Socks.

And Crochet has it’s share of socks - in keeping with the What not to crochet pledge and not to embarrass some of the sockers out there, I’ll only show this photo

as an example of crocheted socks.

Oh, and this one because I like the toeses …

This one, as well, because I have to ask the Question :

WTF do you want to wear Clear Plastic Boots???????

WHO *makes* Clear Plastic Boots? (!?!) (!!!?!!) (!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

*shiver*shudder*cringe*

Anyhoo…. Crocheted socks.

Mostly.. adorable…

Until you find that some twisted, sick, SICK, SICK (!) induhvidual has done THIS:

And you just know that someone is going to get given one for a gift…

Socks.

There is a point you have to stop.

This is a serious lesson on design principles.

This is how to avoid making an otherwise quite sweet poncho (I say otherwise because I detest the Single-large-flower-done-in-the-same-yarn-lumped-on-the-shoulder thing thats happening here.) into something that isn’t quite right.

The lesson in designing garments, ponchos in this case, is

Unless you can do immaculate work in the “join with slst in first dc” (which is a club I don’t belong to) or you can make the join& chain bit into a feature design, DON’T (I say again)

DON’T

for the love of Merino Lambs and all their future fleeces!

place the join so it’s BLOODY WELL CENTRE FRONT!!!

It did occur to me that the Stylist has screwed up royally and just got the seam in the wrong place for the shoot….

Shoot…

There’s an idea!

This is not a case of  “What Not to Crochet” but more a case of  “How Not to Fug Up Your Crochet.

The thing I should like to know from this pattern (and yes… it’s from Lionbrand!) is not HOW to do it, but at least (AT LEAST!) ONE good reason WHY.

Why on earth would anyone, ANYONE, want to mutilate a pair of jeans, make themselves look like a Sesame Street Monster has them by the neck AND run the risk of their Pug savaging them in their sleep????

Fun Fur.

 It’s Not.

Please???

why? why?

I found this gem on etsy FOR SALE!  “Retro 80s swimsuit with a fashionable rose motif…”

Fashionable???

you know what really kills me about this?  the model’s pose.

“I can’t talk to you right now…i look too good.”

and not that my body is perfect (far from) but poor thing, she’s bent so strangely you can see her love handles bunching up.

sigh.

Sure - I know about your *little* problem. It’s ok, you’re among friends here. It’s ok to cry.

I know. Really. I do. How hard, just how hard, you find it to throw out those little bits of yarn.

We’re not here to judge (oh_yes_we_are!), all Woolpigs know that you just can’t throw out the last parts of a ball!

Those darling short lengths might come in handy!

 And besides - it’s 100% Angora/Cashmere/Alpaca/Silk and every precious inch is sacred!

And I *know*, I *understand*, really, I do! that you’ve got some idea in mind to use these scraps….

but, come closer..

Got a little secret for ya! 

DON’T

 MAKE

 OTHER

PEOPLE

WEAR

 YOUR

 SCRAPS!!

!

!!!

Hope you like stewed prunes….. You’re off to the BAD Nursing Home!!!

The designer of this top obviously was trying to be bright and cheerful in their design.

In Cotton - textured… a slub silk ,  I can see how this would work. A _bit_…

But in Fun Fur…. Lord Almighty!! Someone needs help!!!

And I’m going to go and satisfy this weird craving for Malibu I’ve just got…

In my regular search for those crochet designs that were obviously made by someone who never saw the human form, I found this:

Now the label would make anyone drool….. but it’s got some issues…

Tell me how thin you’d have to be to make this kitchen string thing work!

And BTW - Happy Easter!!!