Thanksgiving (at this time of year) is an American holiday, but the concept of coming home for a time, observed by all members of a country regardless of race, colour, creed or football code is a great one.  Giving thanks for you have, have had, and the opportunities you hope to have yet to come home – should be cherished.

And I understand that no holiday can be celebrated with decorating the entire house… 
There fore there are patterns for Crochet Turkey Afghans, Crocheted Turkey TP covers, Crocheted Turkey door hangers and Crocheted Turkey Turkeys.  What caught my eye was the range of interpretation of what a Turkey actually looks like and obviously what yarn was available at hookin’ time.

But for sheer  – Are you sure?-ness regarding the identity (genus, species, chordae) of the creature you are trying to render in DCs and acrylic – I give you :

Because nothing about this screams Turkey.

Noooooo – it looks more like:

Turkey ?

                        or

                                    Womble?

Happy Thanksgiving to you,

Be thankful for every thing you have, and everything you can do for someone else.

some yarn, a hook,

do some Crochet and some *other* craft and

Abracadabra!

and you get… yeah.. that….

At least the  general Wreckage, Wreckitry and Wreckitude on Cakewrecks has one almost universal, Redeeming Feature.

Oh yes, they *do*!

In the event of tears and curses directed towards the Wreckerator (whether professional or wellmeaning but somewhat underskilled relation) which has led to EPIC FAILDOM, you can still pick the Wreckched thing up and give it an almighty HEAVE into the face of the Wreckhead who created it.

Leaving you with the perfect opportunity to Exit, stage left.

Admit it, wouldn’t you love to do that,        just                 _once_ ?    @.@

Anyhoops,  after you’ve created this …….

Just really… What are you going to do with it?

I’m guessing those are mean to be balloons, but serious Chupa Chup cravings are kicking in.

New Rule = WHAT NOT TO CROCHET : anything with a useful lifespan of less than half the length of time it took you to make it.

Then, just which  part of the Beholder determines this to be “erotic”??

Not sure – but suspicion is HIGH that the reason why there are no nipples showing through is because of the actual gender of the model and there being less mammary tissue behind aforementioned nipples to push said nipples against the cup. Possibly.

To forestall the obvious comment but where’s the model’s <insert polite/colloquial/euphemistic term here> then?

 Duct tape has many, many, uses.

Hands up time!

And this applies equally to Knitters (grrrrrr) and Crocheters alike.

Hands up, those of you who get almost unreasonably disgruntled when you see Crochet (or knitting, I know knitting exists… I can almost say the word without spitting.   I could try “The Craft that wastes yarn and shall not be named” )  misrepresented as such, whether in print, advertising or TV?  Yes? Thank you everyone.

The number of items on eBay that are listed as being “crocheted” ( and since when is Korea a haven for crocheters turning out “sexy Crochet”?? ) which are like, so NOT!  requires a hit of jello crystals to get over the pain (uncut please….).

So – I would like to start a Campaign for the Appropriate Identification of Crochet  CAIC – pronounced Cake.   (Mmmm, everyone loves Cake).

and … as our first involuntary student, I’d like to get whoever staged THIS Advertisement for the Yarn Organiser and make them write on a whiteboard 400 times ”I will not confuse handicrafts and or the implements required thereby, lest I be turned into a Goon*.”  

You know – I have no problem with the Yarn Organiser, nice idea, not over priced, bit plasticy maybe and available HERE

But for crying out loud…

Look at what our crafter is doing (and no, she’s not a knitter, OBVIOUSLY)

Yeah – She is actually holding both knitting needles in her left hand….

With a number of tangle free, organised strands! 

And ostensibly working an Afghan.

A *crocheted* Afghan.

Did you think we wouldn’t notice???

For SHAME!

and start writing…

* Sorry – the Bunny Foo Foo thing is still with me, and I’m out of Jello Crystals.

and thanks to our regular comment generator : Sherry for taking the  time away from goats to send!

The story of the Velveteen Rabbit is one that verges on the unutterably appalling.

<Warning  :  SPOILER!!!>

ALL THE LITTLE BOY’S TOYS AND BOOKS  WERE BURNT.

Except the Rabbit, because the Rabbit cried a tear BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO BE BURNT and the Nursery Fairy changed him into a Real Rabbit. 

Call me a materialistic girl (living in a material world.. ) but when under the height of 4ft,  the idea of losing all your toys and BOOKS was just … beyond HORRIFIC. The concept is worse than what the things hiding under the bed are….  

Now – well, there’s something about the concept of the hard and shiny not being truly lovable, and people are only real when they’ve been loved, and you can tell because their joints are a bit loose, and they’ve become a bit saggy and their fur loved off….. that’s comforting.

But anyway – as the Rabbit wasn’t burnt, and the Rabbit became Real and lived with other rabbits.. he was luckier than these hapless Stuffies*:

Yeah… I can’t imagine what kind of Nursery would benefit froma  row of Mythical Critters Trophy Heads either.

*because they’re not Plushies.  And on that topic,  you CAN NOT crochet a Velveteen Rabbit. He has to be VELVETEEN – By definition. Otherwise he’s a Single Crochet Rabbit or an Acrylic Rabbit.

There are things you can do with Crochet, especially thread crochet – that need Extreme Blocking and Chemical assistance.

No – not  *that* kind (though.. while waiting for the stiffness to appear, ok) but this kind:

I will confess to a love of Stiffened Thread crochet* and it’s hardly a new topic to What Not To Crochet.   I will also confess to owning every book on wee Crocheted Stiffened Thread Angels I can find.   I have also, in the spirit of adventure and because there’s nothing like chiseling sugar solution off a marble benchtop  (we don’t cry over spilt milk in my house, we cry over Zippy-Bag-that-has-leaked-it’s-resinous-contents-all-over-the-place) ,  been on an on-going quest for the Perfect stiffening agent.

With mixed results and a whole bunch of Angels later, we here at The Angel Up Institute can state these work:

Diluted Glue (2 parts glue, 1 part water, in a Zippy Bag, insert angel, mush solution into angel. Spread angel on form. Peel dried glue off fingers)

A hotwater and dissolved sugar solution (Not kidding, recommended by a friend – kinda works. Requires stove)

Commercially available stiffeners

Epsom Salts diluted in water.

Others may just be (you’ll get this joke in a moment) phallusies!

The two tricks I will recommend are COLD Air blowing over the dried item (airconditioned preferably, removes the moisture) and liberal coats of Clear Spray paint – beautiful shine.

See??  not only is What Not To Crochet funny and on occaisions: Scandalous and controversial but also= Educational.

So…. Anyhoo,  the point of today’s WNTC is not to praise Angels (which i do, wholeheartedly), bells and snowflakes, but to wonder…

At what point in your stiffened crochet exploits, does making something like this:

seem like a Good Idea?

*except – and I have said this before, I’ll say it again: I HATE THOSE FRICKIN’ SWANS.  I am SO going to do a Bunny Foo Foo on those Swans next time I get a chance. I’m a ‘practising the lyrics now!

Busy explains why I’m averaging one post every two months.

Unkind might explain just what the hell happened when that (yah know… I don’t even know what to call that ) thing this poor kid is wearing, was made.

Because…. Dear BitterSweet chocolate chip cookies – that is just  ’orrible.

Yes, we’re baaaaaaaack…..

I will apologise for the absence,  I could explain … but there’s a high chance you wouldn’t believe me.     To try and capture it – Some thought bubbles for you would include a wide choice of swear words in conjunction with colourful  descriptions of a horse who plays in fences and the word “Clear!” which you don’t really want to have to hear in conjunction with your mother….

Anyhoo…. As we are all conneiseurs connoisseurs and dilettantes of Crochet in all it’s forms, being somewhat united in our distaste of  the use of the Granny Square,  and usually uniformly appalled when Crochet is misused generally, I give you…..

One of Australia’s biggest stars !

 You may remember this actor from such films as Lord of the Rings (all three), Pushing Tin (don’t blame you if didn’t see this one) The Talented Mr Ripley, The Aviator and of Course : Elizabeth (I and II – and Dear God, wasn’t Clive Owen gorgeous in that?)   

Have you guessed who it is?

Yes.. it’s Cate Blanchett

And this morning in “a good for crochet in a-round-a-bout-way it made the front pages of all the papers today”

(cookie if you know what thats a quote from)

We have the question: is She Crazy ??

(not kidding, all the Australian papers are carrying this photo!)

So – Ladies and Gentlemen, popcorn eaters of all ages, I give you :

Yes or No???

Edited to ADD :  it’s a sign of how uncrocheted my life has been recently that I didn’t realise something important.

This is NOT the first time that the Blanket (if you’ll permit me – the CATE BLANKET) dress has appeared on What Not To Crochet.

NoooooooooooooooooooooooooO.

To all you fashionista, snobberista commentator blogs out there… We, at WNTC, got there FIRST

Way back.. during Fashion Week : I wondered whether being Naked in a Crowd was worse than wearing THIS…

Because otherwise the attraction of having jute near any pink bits I’m attached to – not so much.

Is there some of kind of fashion revolution I’ve missed?

Because WHAT NOT TO CROCHET WITH :  Twine

Especially for underthings.