Busy explains why I’m averaging one post every two months.

Unkind might explain just what the hell happened when that (yah know… I don’t even know what to call that ) thing this poor kid is wearing, was made.

Because…. Dear BitterSweet chocolate chip cookies – that is just  ’orrible.

Yes, we’re baaaaaaaack…..

I will apologise for the absence,  I could explain … but there’s a high chance you wouldn’t believe me.     To try and capture it – Some thought bubbles for you would include a wide choice of swear words in conjunction with colourful  descriptions of a horse who plays in fences and the word “Clear!” which you don’t really want to have to hear in conjunction with your mother….

Anyhoo…. As we are all conneiseurs connoisseurs and dilettantes of Crochet in all it’s forms, being somewhat united in our distaste of  the use of the Granny Square,  and usually uniformly appalled when Crochet is misused generally, I give you…..

One of Australia’s biggest stars !

 You may remember this actor from such films as Lord of the Rings (all three), Pushing Tin (don’t blame you if didn’t see this one) The Talented Mr Ripley, The Aviator and of Course : Elizabeth (I and II – and Dear God, wasn’t Clive Owen gorgeous in that?)   

Have you guessed who it is?

Yes.. it’s Cate Blanchett

And this morning in “a good for crochet in a-round-a-bout-way it made the front pages of all the papers today”

(cookie if you know what thats a quote from)

We have the question: is She Crazy ??

(not kidding, all the Australian papers are carrying this photo!)

So – Ladies and Gentlemen, popcorn eaters of all ages, I give you :

Yes or No???

Edited to ADD :  it’s a sign of how uncrocheted my life has been recently that I didn’t realise something important.

This is NOT the first time that the Blanket (if you’ll permit me – the CATE BLANKET) dress has appeared on What Not To Crochet.

NoooooooooooooooooooooooooO.

To all you fashionista, snobberista commentator blogs out there… We, at WNTC, got there FIRST

Way back.. during Fashion Week : I wondered whether being Naked in a Crowd was worse than wearing THIS…

Because otherwise the attraction of having jute near any pink bits I’m attached to – not so much.

Is there some of kind of fashion revolution I’ve missed?

Because WHAT NOT TO CROCHET WITH :  Twine

Especially for underthings.

It must be, otherwise I am at a loss to explain how people can create something that seems cute and adorable until one shaft of light helps you set back and look at it, clearly and sanely, soberly and dispassionately, makes you realise that maybe, just maybe you crossed the Line somewhere back,  ooooo… *there* 

Can you see  it?

Yep – right back – no, behind that.

Yes – that is the point where you slipped from Cute right down to FUG.

To examplify:  

I can count Six Elements of Fuggery here. Please – see if you have any others?

What not to crochet: anything that takes you less time to make than the dog to dig a hole to bury it.

Oh.. and ignoring the fact that i’m completely whacked on Ibuprofen+codeine FORTE right now – Thank you to all of those who voted!!

Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy.

First of all – have to remind you that whilst the Northern hemisphere is rejoicing in Summer, those of us on the Flip side of the Planet are feeling the chills.

Heralded (or maybe I should say Telegraphed) this morning was the Snuggie, or the Slanket, or the Blankoat.

Sales does be through the roof of the blanket with sleeves.

What is making this news cringeworthy is these are items that are designed for on-couch or at most in-house use, like our old comfy friend, the Ugg boot.

And the Ugg boot, as we all know, has a painful tendency to make appearances elsewhere.

Ok – the Absolutely Unbreakable Rule is

they should not be worn PAST your MAILBOX. 

And fricking never with a gap between the closest garment’s hem and the top of the boot.

Unless it’s a negative gap – otherwise known as

AN OVERLAP.

Anyhoo…

The modern day Snuggie, for those people cannot master advanced technology such as a Blanket – I mean seriously, is it *that* hard to maintain control of a piece of cloth while reaching for the remote???

And besides – we’ve been here before : Couch Dresses!

To make matters worse….   we have not one, but two Yarnporiums who have produced patterns (and one has been around for awhile – has anyone bothered to make one?) for Wrapghans.

These are patterns that are designed purely to drive up the Global demand for Yarn – because you’ll need enough sheep to send someone to Dreamyland to make it!

What not to crochet – something that pins you to the couch out of the sheer weight of the yarn that the Manufacturer is trying to flog.

Oh and BTW :

(Hey – you guys said to remind you )

And doesn’t he just look poised to fall on your noggin?

But the reason why I’ve chosen him to threaten you with is:

If I didn’t tell you he was a sheep… would you pick him AS a sheep

or as an Apocalyptic Poodle?

Blogluxe Awards.

I’m not the hugest MJ fan.. but just thought we should mark today in some way…

(start humming now….)

They were singing…..

I haven’t found a Michael Jackson Amigurumi or Graphghan….

sure there’ll be one round soon.

(I tried to find Michael Hutchence to add to the list but he’s a no show)  

(editted to add : Buddy Holly.   I can’t find Ritchie Valens.. if you do.. lemme know)

My fellow Coffee-Over-TheScreen Snorterers, I would like to take this opportunity to firstly thank whoever it was who nominated us for the   Blogluxe Awards.

That is a Great, Great thing that you have done.

May you always be able to find your 4mm crochet hooks!

Now… I call upon you all, Crocheters, Sniggerers, and those who come upon this blog in the search of Nipples,   Please – go vote for WNTC!! 

Yes,  We CAN make a difference!!      Yes, We CAN be the change we wish to see in the world! Yes, We CAN win The Funniest Blog Award!

What Not To Crochet has been around since 2006 – We are one of the Original Snark blogs.  Let Us stand up and proudly denounce the Use of Fun Fur and the Eye-Searing Granny Square to the World!

And you know what’s seriously great about this ballot??       you don’t get to vote once, and hope that everyone else sees the blinding obvious truth :  That the world needs strong leadership, whether in Pursuing World Peace, combatting the GFC  or gaily distributing “stimulus cheques”, YOU CAN GO BACK AND VOTE EVERY DAY!

So Vote for WNTC today! and Tomorrow! and Every Day !!

Or..

Vote, otherwise the Bear gets it!

http://www.socialluxelounge.com/blogluxe  – and then scroll through – they randomise the positions…

Please.. seriously folks… vote

I’m pretty sure, is not to leave the viewer with an-almost irresistable craving for meringues or with the distinct impression that Dipsy or Igglepiggle has forgotten him/herself on the model’s head.

but the giant Dental Appliance Green Pineapples thing  is almost too horrific for words.

Quote for the day :    “A Robin Redbreast in a cage.  Puts all Heaven in a Rage”

Again with the “crocheted thing meant to look like something” idea and just for a twist, also on the pathway of CHEAPASS patterns that someone knocks up to try and pad out a book, which could have been made by a 6 year old on her first attempt.

To illustrate what I mean, in the Good column (with a slight sub heading of Not sure WHY but ok.  Kids, back away slooooowly – don’t make eye contact) we have the following offering:

Birds.

Oh – do you hear the loons??

This is just TOTALLY cool. Not sure why you’d want to crochet a Snowy Owl, but ok – whatever curls your celery.

If you know someone whose life would completed by the addition of a Crocheted Mallard – sure, why not?

  Actually, the crocheted Mallard could be useful for Retriever people who want something the right size, that doesn’t object to being Squisheled by a Juvenile Labrademon.

And not sure what you’d do with him – but he is kinda cute:   

At least he’s better than the Sexy Turkey Thanksgiving hat.   I’m still having nightmares about Lapdancing Turkeys.

The thing you will note is that all these patterns have had some time and effort put into creating them, so that they actually have character and something that differentiates them from a Crocheted in China nicknack that your cat would disdain.   

Which is Why, when someone chooses to include a pattern that has nothing  much to distinguish it from that which is formed when cleaning out the dryer filter….

I Cry Foul.