There is only one thing I like about this….
Posted by: SB&C on: March 16, 2010
I believe in trying to find the positive in everything, and to find a learning point even from bad mistakes - ”Hey Boss, on the flip side, I now know how to put a dump truck back up the right way!”* .
There’s one that even Pollyanna would have had more than a weensy bit of trouble with.
So when I looked through my cache of possibles for today’s General Mockerage and Snarkery, I thought: lets find something positive, and uplifting to say about the eye-janglingly neonic squad of granny squares that have been thrown into a rough formation on some poor model.
It took me a while.
Quite a while.
.
.
.
.
More precisely, it took me one Chai Latte and two replays of Boundin‘ until I got there.
But I did think of something positive to say about about this:
I dont hate the colour of the yarn in the sleeves.
*40 tonne dump truck, upside down, doesn’t “just want a tummy rub”. Putting a dump truck back up the right way involves a bunch of chains, a 1200 tonne Excavator and a whole lot of swearing. Those photos that get around with crashed dumpies are a whole lot less funny when the name on the (upside down) truck is the same as the one on your shirt.
Haven’t you heard of a Sanity Check?
Posted by: SB&C on: March 14, 2010
And I dont mean when someone says: “Hey, you’re mostly sane, have some money!”. But I wish.
The Sanity check is one of the key things that I believe in when it comes to making plans (life is just what gets in the way). Firstly, consider how you would explain your actions and/or intentions in front of a) a sitting of a Senate Committee or b) an Investigative News Show. “Well, Larry – it seemed a Good Idea at the time” just might not cut it. Secondly, it behoves you to, at some junctions, to S.T.O.P., dwell a pause of at least two marching paces, and just reconsider what you’re about to do, one more time.
If more people did that, fewer people would do things they later regret. Like get Mullets, sleep with random strangers or – go to Britney Spears concerts.
It’s the Sanity check. Kinda like a half halt from your brain. For the non-horsey types, a half halt is not where you want one side of the horse to stop, but asking the horse to rebalance itself in preparation for what you’re about to do – ie change gait. If more humans understood the concept of balance, politicians might spend less time at the podium apologising for changing the Environment, one rooftop at a time.
In the design phase of crochet, sometimes, I believe, and am about to demonstrate, that some finished articles would ultimately benefit, had their designer only for one little moment and considered whether that was really, really the effect they were after.
Mockless? I do beg your pardon!
Posted by: SB&C on: March 12, 2010
Some of you may guess, some of you may know, that I do, indeed, dwell among you. Incognito. You would not recognise me if you saw me on the street. In the LYS, I look like any other average woolpig, doing my ferret impersonation in the dump bins.
I read Crochetville, I read Ravelry and am, unfortunately, utterly unable to login to Ravelry without humming The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B – it’s the “He’s blowing Reveille” bit that gets me.
I also get to see where you come from to get to What Not To Crochet – an influx from the Single Knitters Group had me humming “All the Single Ladies!” all last week. In the voices, no less. so – yes thank you for that… O.0
I also read your comments.
Yesterday, it was suggested that my posts regarding the pricing of crochet are not as funny as those in which I mock ugly crochet.
Really??
Merp. *
It was also suggested to me, yesterday, that there should be some kind of manual that comes included! so that the suggestee could understand what my noises of derision, disapproval and general ennui meant. We have to forgive him – He’s new around here.
So I was thinking to myself, “Self,” I thought, “Self. Mock… Hmmm… mocking… Mockingness. Tralala twiddle dee dee, there’s peace and Goodwill, you’re welcome something something Mockingbird hill… How do I fully express myself in terms of mocking something?
Mock Mock Mock…”
(talk about having performance anxiety… *must* mock…)
Or more precisely, when it comes to this double page layout… where do I start????
Ok.. Exhibit A, it seems someone started at the neck and got confused on the way down on something that may or may not be trying to be a poncho – with EYES – arrrrrgh and then we have Exhibit B, where someone has crocheted what appears to be deflated knitted balloons to a belt?
There’s just not enough eyebleach in this world.
*that’s Alpaca for “Oh Well”. As opposed to ” Merp! Merp! MERP!” which means “I see what you’re about to do and I don’t think I’m going to like it one little bit.”
Nope, Not Kidding
Posted by: SB&C on: March 10, 2010
The concept of pricing a crochet piece (or any other handworked piece) is not easy not withstanding that which is seen on Etsy – asking (get this!) $4000 for a crocheted Bedspread cotton large granny square is indication that you might have some errors in the calibration of your Reality-o-meter. Better get that looked at.
Items entered in State Fairs and Shows are frequently for sale after the judging process and the prices there seem to start at desperately underselling. $5 for an exquisitely but using pointy-sticked-craft-to-make a childs jersey – no, that’s possibly even more wrong as it encourages the Muggles to undervalue the skills in volved. Even if it does spring from pointy-stickiness.
Some items : $150 for a large Afghan – note the kind of yarn involved, yes - that seems fair. It’s about treble what the yarn cost, the crocheter had the process satisfaction of making it, exhibiting it, and like the shoemaker and his wife in the story, now has a bit more in the yarndosh account. Just don’t get between her and the next sale bin of the natural worsted!
I mean it.
I understand that once you put certain brand names on something it automatically swells the price of an item intended for the purchase market. Same Same if something is listed as “Bridal” or if indeed, it is a bridle as equine gear costs a bomb.
For that, I would expect something with wizardry ( yes, Gaultier, for all your many sins, there’s something magical remaining) but… to expect $3,000 for what looks very much like an 8ply Bathrobe…
No – I’m not seeing it neither.
Unintentionally Admittedly, But Ultimately: Disturbingly Creepy
Posted by: SB&C on: March 9, 2010
Filet, at the best of times, has more than a hint of the Arsenic and Old Lace about it.
Etsy, eBay and a number of free Crochet pattern websites are full of charts courtesy of someone who has gotten their paws on a graphic and run it through charting software. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Whilst I *supposedly* am technically “good” at filet, I detest the finished product with a passion that exceeds that of my Lawnmower for “pruning” the pink climbing rose on the side pathway.
Ok – the Skin crawl factor of the amorphous blobs, squared in white bedspread, you would have to agree, is somewhat magnified by the inscription:
There’s a disconcerting sense of “What might happen next” if you do sit down…
Although…
Does anyone else know this song: Have some Madeira M’dear?
Sorry – have to leave you there – the lawnmower is staring in through the window, something about breakfast…..
Telling men that you crochet
Posted by: SB&C on: March 8, 2010
Is difficult, because I’m pretty sure they’re deathly afraid that they will end up looking like this:
The look on the Model’s face says it all
Posted by: SB&C on: March 4, 2010
CAIC – A test
Posted by: SB&C on: March 3, 2010
I call to order the first meeting of CAIC – The Campaign for the Appropriate Identification of Crochet.
Brothers!, Sisters!, Third Cousins Twice Removed!
I ask you Why, why O Dear Sweet Butternut Cookies, do the masses (especially those sell on eBay) refuse to see the light and insist on confusing, Confusing I say! the art of crochet with the pasttime of wasting yarn by using the two pointy sticks?
For too long has the practice of labelling, without thought or care, any piece of handworked wool, thread, cotton etc been dubbed “knitted” or “crochet” (and So help me I will not be responsible if I see it spelt “chrochet” again) with ne’er a care as to the pain it may cause the True Crocheters.
Why??? Something must be done!!!
As our first slice of CAIC – I ask you to consider this item and know it by its very stitches: Is It Crochet? or is it *that other thing*?
And then – I ask you – would you pay $49.99 for it?
This would want to be made from the fur of the Rare Icelandic Long Nosed Guinea Pig to be worth that much.
Just for the record – this item is an Oatmeal and Raisin Neckwarmer, from Modcloth and is listed as “knitted”.
Such a waste of Silk
Posted by: SB&C on: March 2, 2010
Hands up time…
How many of you find yourself struggling whilst crocheting an item, facing the fact that the thing just is NOT working because (ready for me to sound demented?) the yarn does not *want* to be what you *want* it to be?
Hands, please?
If you don’t know what I mean – let me explain.
You buy the World’s Greatest Yarn. It’s a fantabulous colour and made from the hand spun hair of a baby mountain unicorn. You’ve fondled it more than you probably should. You boast about your purchase on Ravelry, Crochetville or your next blog post. You also prevaricate over the actual cost to relatives and others who take an interest in your purchasing habits. You burn the receipt. The yarn is placed reverently in your stash as it is Too Good to use on just anything. However, you do decide finally, maybe because it has come to the top of the stash, to make something from it. Some thing unique and worthy of the quality of the World’s Greatest Yarn.
But the Yarn puts up an unholy fight and flatout refuses to head in the same direction your inspiration is taking you.
The result is either a) you give up and after some frogging* and/or tears, opt for something else or b) persevere and end with something that gets featured in a What Not To Crochet Post.
Who ever used the quite nice burgundy silk/cotton blend and teamed it with the migraine inducing aqua and that monstrosity of a “feature” Closure…..
You do not deserve nice yarn.
*frogging : ribbit…. ribbit… rip it… rip it….
Sometimes, something is soooo fugly
Posted by: SB&C on: March 1, 2010
I wish I still had Capsicum Spray so I can melt out my own eyeballs…..
