At least it’s not in Granny Squares.. (and vote pls!)
Posted by: SB&C on: June 30, 2009
Personally, I think it’s a conspiracy.
First of all – have to remind you that whilst the Northern hemisphere is rejoicing in Summer, those of us on the Flip side of the Planet are feeling the chills.
Heralded (or maybe I should say Telegraphed) this morning was the Snuggie, or the Slanket, or the Blankoat.
Sales does be through the roof of the blanket with sleeves.
What is making this news cringeworthy is these are items that are designed for on-couch or at most in-house use, like our old comfy friend, the Ugg boot. 
And the Ugg boot, as we all know, has a painful tendency to make appearances elsewhere.
Ok – the Absolutely Unbreakable Rule is
they should not be worn PAST your MAILBOX.
And fricking never with a gap between the closest garment’s hem and the top of the boot.
Unless it’s a negative gap – otherwise known as
AN OVERLAP.
Anyhoo…
The modern day Snuggie, for those people cannot master advanced technology such as a Blanket – I mean seriously, is it *that* hard to maintain control of a piece of cloth while reaching for the remote???
And besides – we’ve been here before : Couch Dresses!
To make matters worse…. we have not one, but two Yarnporiums who have produced patterns (and one has been around for awhile – has anyone bothered to make one?) for Wrapghans.
These are patterns that are designed purely to drive up the Global demand for Yarn – because you’ll need enough sheep to send someone to Dreamyland to make it!
What not to crochet – something that pins you to the couch out of the sheer weight of the yarn that the Manufacturer is trying to flog.
Oh and BTW :
Vote or I’ll set the Sheep on you!!
Posted by: SB&C on: June 28, 2009
(Hey – you guys said to remind you 
)
And doesn’t he just look poised to fall on your noggin?
But the reason why I’ve chosen him to threaten you with is:
If I didn’t tell you he was a sheep… would you pick him AS a sheep
or as an Apocalyptic Poodle?
Tributes….
Posted by: SB&C on: June 25, 2009
I’m not the hugest MJ fan.. but just thought we should mark today in some way…
(start humming now….)
They were singing…..
I haven’t found a Michael Jackson Amigurumi or Graphghan….
sure there’ll be one round soon.
(I tried to find Michael Hutchence to add to the list but he’s a no show)
(editted to add : Buddy Holly. I can’t find Ritchie Valens.. if you do.. lemme know)
An unashamed Plea for your Vote…
Posted by: SB&C on: June 24, 2009
My fellow Coffee-Over-TheScreen Snorterers, I would like to take this opportunity to firstly thank whoever it was who nominated us for the Blogluxe Awards.
That is a Great, Great thing that you have done.
May you always be able to find your 4mm crochet hooks!
Now… I call upon you all, Crocheters, Sniggerers, and those who come upon this blog in the search of Nipples, Please – go vote for WNTC!!
Yes, We CAN make a difference!! Yes, We CAN be the change we wish to see in the world! Yes, We CAN win The Funniest Blog Award!
What Not To Crochet has been around since 2006 – We are one of the Original Snark blogs. Let Us stand up and proudly denounce the Use of Fun Fur and the Eye-Searing Granny Square to the World!
And you know what’s seriously great about this ballot?? you don’t get to vote once, and hope that everyone else sees the blinding obvious truth : That the world needs strong leadership, whether in Pursuing World Peace, combatting the GFC or gaily distributing “stimulus cheques”, YOU CAN GO BACK AND VOTE EVERY DAY!
So Vote for WNTC today! and Tomorrow! and Every Day !!
Or..
Vote, otherwise the Bear gets it!
http://www.socialluxelounge.com/blogluxe – and then scroll through – they randomise the positions…
Please.. seriously folks… vote
The role of Fashion
Posted by: SB&C on: June 22, 2009
I’m pretty sure, is not to leave the viewer with an-almost irresistable craving for meringues or with the distinct impression that Dipsy or Igglepiggle has forgotten him/herself on the model’s head.
but the giant Dental Appliance Green Pineapples thing is almost too horrific for words.
Well Done, It’s Lazy and FUGLY.
Posted by: SB&C on: June 11, 2009
Quote for the day : “A Robin Redbreast in a cage. Puts all Heaven in a Rage”
Again with the “crocheted thing meant to look like something” idea and just for a twist, also on the pathway of CHEAPASS patterns that someone knocks up to try and pad out a book, which could have been made by a 6 year old on her first attempt.
To illustrate what I mean, in the Good column (with a slight sub heading of Not sure WHY but ok. Kids, back away slooooowly – don’t make eye contact) we have the following offering:
Birds.
Oh – do you hear the loons??
This is just TOTALLY cool. Not sure why you’d want to crochet a Snowy Owl, but ok – whatever curls your celery.
If you know someone whose life would completed by the addition of a Crocheted Mallard – sure, why not?
Actually, the crocheted Mallard could be useful for Retriever people who want something the right size, that doesn’t object to being Squisheled by a Juvenile Labrademon.
And not sure what you’d do with him – but he is kinda cute:
At least he’s better than the Sexy Turkey Thanksgiving hat. I’m still having nightmares about Lapdancing Turkeys.
The thing you will note is that all these patterns have had some time and effort put into creating them, so that they actually have character and something that differentiates them from a Crocheted in China nicknack that your cat would disdain.
Which is Why, when someone chooses to include a pattern that has nothing much to distinguish it from that which is formed when cleaning out the dryer filter….
I Cry Foul.
Adorable. Possibly the most misused word in Crochet.
Posted by: SB&C on: June 5, 2009
Okay – I am *SORRY* about that whole clickable link thing, and about leaving you guys for a whole week.
Really.
I am.
Anyyyyyyywaayy….
One thing that erks me majorly about crochet is when someone tries to copy a popular item and fails in epic proportions. And tries to label said item as cute.
Now – my exemption is for Amigurumis because you cannot help but love them.
L. O. V. E.
See – they are CUTE. They Are not Kitsch.
(edit. Yes, there *is* a pattern available. Go look on Etsy.)
And I will state categorically that I am not really an ornament sort of person. I cheered in About Schmidt when the Hummels plummeted off the Winnebago.
So – I will state with categorical HORROR, and from a number of levels that…..
WHAT NOT TO CROCHET : anything that proves you’re too cheap to buy the horrible real thing….
Ok – Crochet it… If you can!
Posted by: SB&C on: May 31, 2009
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale… a tale of a fateful trip…
That started from a frosty farm and went significantly WRONG when I misread the itinerary that my EA printed out for me, and I’m now marooned in our national airline’s Business lounge, soaking up a VLLB* and the Flying Marsupial’s free internet.
Noting that the flow on effect of my *ahem* misreading is … get this: 5 hours.
(And it gets noticeably worse)
My two yarn-based Travelling Projects? ………………………………………………….. are in Checked Baggage**.
Ye-aaaaah.
I’m bored out of my skull at the 2 hour mark.
So I’m industriously warping the minds of my fellow Club squatters going through my collection of photos of items that defile the sacred name of Crochet, making muttering noises to myself: No, no, HAHAH – no, can’t use that, just done a Bikini, no, no, used already, no, <WARNING!! OUT OF VLLB ERROR> no, no, no - Ooooh.
And then I found the topic for today.
Russian Crochet. (If you’re a Lolcat fan – there’s a whole “In Soviet Russia” line to go down. See you when you get back)
Now – first of all – there is a LOT about the array 0f Russian Crochet magazines to adore.
Ok… yes, they’re in Russian and no, I don’t know why she’s standing like that…
Yes, the majority of it is in Thread.
Which, for some people, is like admitting that you commit specific acts with chickens.
However dot dot dot
Some of the creations are just divine and the biggest safety tip is not to allow your mother to see them lest she get ideas for a nifty throwover.
On the other hand….
When you look a bit closer… or you swap a plate of home made meringues for a translation of said Russian text by a Ukrainian workmate’s Grandmother….
You’ll notice that unlined Irish lace tops are, whilst delicate and gorgeous, veritable gateways for nipples to poke through.
(you will see if you click on the link… for the sake of Innocents everywhere, I’ve made it a thumbnail – you can click at your own risk of having to explain to whomever)
Edited to add: for some reason the thumbnail thing didn’t work. i’m SORRY! Okay!!!
And my god – a lot of you tried clicking it….
* Vodka, Lemon, Lime and Bitters.
** Dont start about Airline regs please. In the Sunburnt country, land of Sweeping plains - we are not allowed to travel with pointy things in carry-on. I have travelled with guns, have travelled with diplomatic pouches, and am NOT allowed to travel with anything so benign as a 4mm Bamboo hook in my backpack. Go figure.
Why Bother? (Warning…Pink bits)
Posted by: SB&C on: May 27, 2009
I seriously can’t see the point.
Actually – sorry, let me rephrase : I can see two *ahem* “Points” but in neither case, does their appearance resolve the Orange cobweb that my mind has fractured into.
The purpose of swimwear – and bikinis, ever since Event Bravo at Bikini Atoll (If you like, I can make a joke about the WWII bar being called “Cross Spikes” and the fact that this girl’s nipples are, for some God only reason, poking through the strategically placed motifs…) seems to be to allow women and men to cavort at the beach without fear of arrest for indecent exposure or sunburn through over- exposure.
So in this Orange, Oh so Safety Orange, String bikini thing, where not only is the state of depiliation (I nearly said delapidation… That too could be inspected I guess!) of your mons is free for even the most unwilling of voyeurs to voy, but you run the very real risk of having your nipples sunburnt and a streak across your middle… Not.
Watch where you put your feet….
Posted by: SB&C on: May 24, 2009
The subject of clothes on dogs (cats.. rats… weasels….) has been the topic of many a snark.
Do you people really want to die?
Is it a new thing, suicide by crochet? You can’t bear living anymore and Dorothy Parker’s poem has struck a chord so you decide to crochet something for the Animal in your life and hope it will end it all for you?
Because making over a pattern for a bathmat* and saddling your Yapper with it
Is just asking to get savaged.
Savagely.
*Imagine getting out of the shower – it looks like a bathmat. … white dog blends into tile and you start wiping your feet.
